Pardon me. I am just tired.

I want to be a cloud. I want to be carefree.

My previous post reminds me of something.
I am never good at giving advice. I can never say anything that's right.
When people are in trouble, all I can do is "What's wrong?" And I will stay silent after that.
Because I do not have the slightest idea of what to say. And I will go on thinking about how useless I am.
And I do not want any one to feel the same way I felt.
My consideration is starting to backfire. The flashbacks are haunting me.
Nuff said. I'm heading to bed. I'm just tired.

Flash backs. Sigh. How do I even get rid of them? 

Isn't it good to just sit down with someone who really cares about you, talk about every thing, cry it all out, and have that person hold you and tell you every thing will be fine? 

I don't even know who really cares any more. What if I entrust all these to the wrong person? Who is just curious and who don't really cares?

What if she/he does not know what to do, what to say and is just as lost as I am?

That's why I like keeping things to myself.

But I judge myself more than others. 

Why am I so hard on myself?

Flashbacks, go away. 

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Did I ever mention anything about my memory before? No? Alright, here goes. 

I also wonder if it should be considered a good thing. 

I can't recall most fights I have. Yep, I just can't. How do I put it... Urm....

Let's say I flare up now and fight with a friend of mine. Chances are, a few hours later, the memory of the fight becomes fuzzy and unclear. And a few days or few weeks later (it only takes hours sometimes), if anyone tries to remind me about it, I won't be able to remember anything. I will try my best to recall, but there will be a blank slot in between certain scenes. o.o 

I did mention MOST didn't I? There are a few bickers and small fights I can remember in full details though.

Oh, and then during one of those few breakdowns, when I say breakdown I really meant "I am sick of everything and I am done holding back for so long" kind, everything will just start replaying itself in my mind. I will cry even harder, but this is normal I presume?

It suddenly struck me today that my brain was actually trying to protect me from these bad memories. Oh stop it you (: 

HAHAHAH, I AM TALKING TO MY BRAIN.

I have my own reasons for coming to that conclusion.

She mentioned that today. I tried my best to recall. All I remembered was the wailing and the hair grabbing. The letter with her name. Banging of head against the wall. Threatening with a cook's knife. Wanting to jump off the 11th floor. Borrowing $700-$1000. 

But that kick? The whole spine thing... No. How did that even happened? 

I wonder if I am mentally sound at times. Since I did not turn to self harm, every thing should be fine.

I think I can write a book. About my life so far, in the past 15, going 16 years. 

I think I am the root of all these problems.

Take a scythe, cut my life line. Everything will then be fine.

But it's all too late isn't it?

I think I'm just tired. 

If this continues tomorrow, I will probably have to come back here. 

O LEVELS IS OVERRRRRRRRR

Time to hibernate ;D