Did I ever mention anything about my memory before? No? Alright, here goes. 

I also wonder if it should be considered a good thing. 

I can't recall most fights I have. Yep, I just can't. How do I put it... Urm....

Let's say I flare up now and fight with a friend of mine. Chances are, a few hours later, the memory of the fight becomes fuzzy and unclear. And a few days or few weeks later (it only takes hours sometimes), if anyone tries to remind me about it, I won't be able to remember anything. I will try my best to recall, but there will be a blank slot in between certain scenes. o.o 

I did mention MOST didn't I? There are a few bickers and small fights I can remember in full details though.

Oh, and then during one of those few breakdowns, when I say breakdown I really meant "I am sick of everything and I am done holding back for so long" kind, everything will just start replaying itself in my mind. I will cry even harder, but this is normal I presume?

It suddenly struck me today that my brain was actually trying to protect me from these bad memories. Oh stop it you (: 

HAHAHAH, I AM TALKING TO MY BRAIN.

I have my own reasons for coming to that conclusion.

She mentioned that today. I tried my best to recall. All I remembered was the wailing and the hair grabbing. The letter with her name. Banging of head against the wall. Threatening with a cook's knife. Wanting to jump off the 11th floor. Borrowing $700-$1000. 

But that kick? The whole spine thing... No. How did that even happened? 

I wonder if I am mentally sound at times. Since I did not turn to self harm, every thing should be fine.

I think I can write a book. About my life so far, in the past 15, going 16 years. 

I think I am the root of all these problems.

Take a scythe, cut my life line. Everything will then be fine.

But it's all too late isn't it?

I think I'm just tired. 

If this continues tomorrow, I will probably have to come back here.