When you have so much to say, so much on your mind, but you have no idea how to phrase it properly. 

Everything will be alright. I guess. 

I was told to private my blog to keep things private so that it will not affect my reputation.

I did. 

And then I came to realise that I do not have to. I've been doing this for years. Why do I have to stop? I've always believed in being able to express myself. 

And I believe in transparency. 

So I'm back. Must have lost a fair amount of readers due to the hiatus and the period of time when I denied public the access to this space.

In all due respect to those who are concerned about my reputation (yes, several of you, including my mentors), I will rant less on private matters (hopefully). But it's just not me to have a private blog. I don't believe in that. 

I'm currently revising for my last paper. I don't know why I'm doing this. Okay, let's be honest. My results aren't that bad, but they aren't good either. Stupid dumb old competitive me. I have nothing better to do and my itchy hands have to put down this course as my first choice. 

It is not that I've regretted entering this course. I just feel rather aimless. I am forcing myself to study certain stuff that I'm not interested in (Who knew a business course would require you to do math. I was never so wrong). Then again, I've gain so much (non academic wise, duh.). My mates are really interesting people :>

As I was saying, I feel rather aimless. Where will this course bring me to, what do I want to do? What do I really want? Why am I here?

Am I going to be clueless for the next 2 years?

This is bad. 

Another rant

(I apologise for the vulgarities ahead, I just can't hold it in LOL)

I understand that there are certain stuff you shouldn't say online.
But I don't tell anyone anything, and I believe that blogging is the best way to get things off my mind. So if you have a problem with my previous post, yeah, your problem, that is.
Fuck that whole "you shouldn't say stuff online, or else you might get into trouble" shit. I've been in deep shit before for things that I did NOT say. And regarding that...

Dear anon, remember how you framed me a year ago? I came across the email and the photos again.
Yes, I've posted tons of stuff on my blog regarding you (Okay, maybe not tons, but a few here and there), on how your actions didn't affect me at all. Frankly, it did.

To those who are new to my blog, hi. What happened you ask? Let me enlighten you.
When I was the president of the student council in my school and I was left with a few months / weeks to serve the school, someone fucking framed me.
Someone "took screenshots" of "my" facebook statuses (apparently "I" posted them in sec 1 ._. ) and sent them to my discipline master. And apparently those pictures weren't pleasant. I said stuff about fucking the penal code, about how Yuhua sucks and how I picked a fight with a Huayi guy.
I painstakingly went through all my fb posts (mind you, I scrolled back to when I first created fb) and even looked for an app that showed all my statuses.

Anyways anon, I remember how desperate I was, trying to track you down. I was desperately proving my innocence, clearing my name.
I bet you've gotten extreme joy out of it huh? Watching me as if I am an ant struggling to get out of water, trying not to drown.

It still haunts me.

Anyways, this is abit anti climatic, I just happened to have a need to rant about this. HAHAHAH.

On a brighter note, I AM GETTING MY POKEMON X LATER ON OMG I CANT WAIT :D

Aimless.

Rant

Most humans are designed in such a way that they only believe in what they see, on the surface level. They don't dig deeper, don't bother to make clarifications and just blindly make assumptions and accusations. 

I have no rights to preach, but I feel like it is time to stand up for myself.

I know, I may be obsessed with work and tend to neglect my friends and school related work. But want to try being in my shoes?

I am not like any of you out there. I don't ask my parents for money. I don't get pocket money, I don't ask my parents for money necessary for food, transport, leisure. I am working to support myself. And most of the time, my family as well. I pay for certain stuff in the household, mind you.

My dad is old. Very old. You think your dad is old? Is your father in his seventies? No right? For mine is. 

Wow, how filial of me, to earn money and give back to my parents, right? No, I have to. My family is squeezing in a rented room right now, just fyi. Yes, a room. And, how can my parents, who are at such a age support me when they can barely support themselves. 

I need to work because I want to study. No work = no salary = no school for me. Pretty simple huh.

And how am I able to afford to eat and spend money on stuff that I like? I plan ahead, for what I want and save. And I can do that because I work.

Think again before shooting me about my work. I don't want to drop out from school, I want to pursue my diploma and move on to a good university.

And I have family problems to add on to that, so think twice before you start judging me. I can't take it anymore. Being misunderstood all the time.

Secondly. just because I don't speak up doesn't mean I am not doing anything. There is no need to tell everyone what I've done. I know what needs to be done, and once I completed it, I find that there is no need to announce it to the whole world. 

You don't see me screaming at everyone, announcing: "I've done my part of the report" after a group project, have you?

Last point. Just because the president of Singapore only appear once every year does not mean he is not doing anything. He is behind the scenes. And who do you see talking all the time? PM Lee. Is PM Lee doing everything himself? No, Mr Tony Tan is doing his job as well. 

This is how I view a true leader. He/She do not have to announce his/her actions to the whole world. He/She do not have to lead in front of a crowd. A true leader can be the last man in the crowd, playing his role, supporting the rest quietly. 

I don't need sympathy. I just need your understanding. Understand my situation first before shooting me down with your remarks. 

Because in the worst case scenario, I will just drop out of school, and you will never see me again.

I didn't want to blog about this at all. I didn't even want to talk about it. But it has been repeating itself, and I am sick of people thinking I am just lazing around, or working just for the sake of buying what I want. I am sick of being misunderstood. 

Once I post this, I can't take it back, for there will be people reading this.

I am not ashamed. I don't need your sympathy, I just want to clear things up, after what I've heard for the past few months. 

Roller coaster ride

I was on my way home and I've exceeded the limit of my data usage.
Since I was on the train and it will be a extremely long ride home, I told myself, " Hey, why not go through your phone gallery and delete whatever that is unnecessary?"
Being a sentimental person (yes, I tend to be super nostalgic), I've always been a hoarder. I'm also rather lazy, and I can't be bothered to delete the pictures in my phone (and yes, my whatsapp is on auto-download).
As I was saying, I find a need to delete stuff off my phone for it is running low on memory. I have so much time on the train and I can't access the internet, so why not make use of this time, right?
I scrolled all the way up to the very first picture in my gallery, tap on it and start to swipe my finger to the left.
Now, let's side track alittle, shall we?
If you were to know me well or  hang out with me long enough, you will come to realise that I don't usually take selfies and I rarely initiate taking of group photos. Me being me, I will either look like an awkward turtle or stick out like a sore thumb (in a really, really awkward manner).
My gallery is filled with stuff that people will send to me through whatsapp, that rare selfie/photo with my friend(s) and photos that I've downloaded.
Okay, back to the main point.
I have tons of pictures from whatsapp (yea, thanks auto download, should have turned it off huh) and I was chuckling away at the hilarious memes and photos from my friends.
And then the photos of me in secondary school, primary school, camps, my first family in NP, random meetups...
I started to smile to myself unknowingly.
It was then I felt this bittersweet pain.
Looking at photographs bring back memories. Your brain will replay those moments, with every single detail (be it faint or in HD). Your heart tells you how much those people mean to you, how those moments are precious to you.
Together, they remind me of how much I miss those times and how much I've drifted from each and every one of them.
"Do people really come and go, or were you the one who pushed them away?"
Could have been both.
I enjoyed tonight's stroll down memory lane. Now, time to think.
Time to reflect.
Like I always do.
Good night. (:

I'm still sorry for what I've done.

In the past, I was ashamed, afraid even.
I end up hurting and losing the one I love.
Things are still awkward between us, and I am to blame.
Please don't commit the same mistake. Only through the pain did I realised that it is okay to be who you want to be, to love who you want to.