Suck it up.

I am starting to doubt my own aptitude and abilities.

Let's start on my character first, shall we?
The temper that I managed to kick away when I was in sec 2 is back. I get upset and frustrated easily nowadays. Take that incident with Mr O for example. I burst and start shooting vulgarities at him because he put words in my mouth and doubt my leadership. As a school leader, I should have understood the fact the authorities can be a total bitch at times. I must know and accept that fact better than any other student in the school. But I failed to do so, despite going for numerous leadership courses. 

And I guess some of my friends can't stand my personality and they start to pick on me. Picking on minor things when I continue to tolerate your bullshit. Urm, hello, you are no better yourself. Go talk to the mirror first.

You see? You see what I mean? I sound so pissed over such minor stuff in my previous paragraph. :/

Ahhhh. Then my leadership. I heard that teachers are doubting my leadership. I don't get them at all. When I don't fight for student rights, the teachers will approach me and tell me to be more active as the principal thinks that we are quite low key and not taking the initiative to do anything. Fine, I suggested lots of ideas. And the teachers continuously reject them. Since that didn't work, I focus more on student welfare. 

Last year, during councillor camp, I fought for my juniors' rights to conduct camps. It ended up as a fight between me and Mr S as I keep insisting that my juniors deserve the chance to experience what I did. And it was on the night before my birthday. I end up crying because I felt guilty. My birthday was spoilt as I found out that Mr Su planned to remove me from the board as the president. I ended up apologising as it was my "fault" for not respecting the authorities. 

Never mind. Then Ms S. I stood up for my councillors again, because she mistreated them. And I got a terrible scolding instead because I'm at fault for standing up for my people.

And then the Mr O thing. I went to clarify some stuff for my class and end up being doubted and accused. 

To the teachers, my numerous efforts of trying to fight for student rights = not respecting them nor the authority. They were the ones who urge me to stand up for the students and be their voice. I did as told, and I am now being labelled as a very rebellious and hot headed student leader. You have no idea how I feel when I heard that from one of the teachers.

Dear teachers, if any of you happened to read this, question yourself before you doubt me. As teachers, you are the leaders of the school as well. And by judging your student like this, are you a good leader? You have no idea how that piece of news hurt my ego, my self esteem, my feelings. 

The past few weeks have been super stressful because of h3roes and tests. I can only head to bed in the wee hours of the night. I end up waking up late almost everyday because of my sleeping patterns. And when I'm late, both my councillors and the teachers will give me that particular "Wow, so much for being a role model" stare. I get it. Stop stressing me. I fail as a leader. I'm sorry to everyone under my lead. I'm really sorry. 

And then academic wise. Hah. 

I'm such a joke. 

I submitted an application for DSA to a school that I didn't want to enter. Why? I want to see if I'm up to standard. And I guess I have high expectations of myself. I told myself that with my grades and CCA records, I would be accepted. I will reject the offer as I can get into way better schools and this will only serve as a form of encouragement. 

What a joke. Carissa is such a snob. Think you are so superior right?

So the dateline is over. Nope, I didn't receive any offers. But people I know whom have worse results and CCA records were given the offer. 

Go on Carissa, continue to be such an airhead. 

I feel so demoralised now. I am not up to standard, both academic and personality wise. How far can I go in life?

Everything I do seems to backfire. I am always the bad guy in every situation. 

I'm screwed. I'm a mess. I'm a failure.

Suck it up kid, suck it up. This is life after all. It's never fair. And this is what you deserved. Life merely gave you a punch in the face.