My previous post reminds me of something.
I am never good at giving advice. I can never say anything that's right.
When people are in trouble, all I can do is "What's wrong?" And I will stay silent after that.
Because I do not have the slightest idea of what to say. And I will go on thinking about how useless I am.
And I do not want any one to feel the same way I felt.
My consideration is starting to backfire. The flashbacks are haunting me.
Nuff said. I'm heading to bed. I'm just tired.

Flash backs. Sigh. How do I even get rid of them? 

Isn't it good to just sit down with someone who really cares about you, talk about every thing, cry it all out, and have that person hold you and tell you every thing will be fine? 

I don't even know who really cares any more. What if I entrust all these to the wrong person? Who is just curious and who don't really cares?

What if she/he does not know what to do, what to say and is just as lost as I am?

That's why I like keeping things to myself.

But I judge myself more than others. 

Why am I so hard on myself?

Flashbacks, go away. 

They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sure, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Did I ever mention anything about my memory before? No? Alright, here goes. 

I also wonder if it should be considered a good thing. 

I can't recall most fights I have. Yep, I just can't. How do I put it... Urm....

Let's say I flare up now and fight with a friend of mine. Chances are, a few hours later, the memory of the fight becomes fuzzy and unclear. And a few days or few weeks later (it only takes hours sometimes), if anyone tries to remind me about it, I won't be able to remember anything. I will try my best to recall, but there will be a blank slot in between certain scenes. o.o 

I did mention MOST didn't I? There are a few bickers and small fights I can remember in full details though.

Oh, and then during one of those few breakdowns, when I say breakdown I really meant "I am sick of everything and I am done holding back for so long" kind, everything will just start replaying itself in my mind. I will cry even harder, but this is normal I presume?

It suddenly struck me today that my brain was actually trying to protect me from these bad memories. Oh stop it you (: 

HAHAHAH, I AM TALKING TO MY BRAIN.

I have my own reasons for coming to that conclusion.

She mentioned that today. I tried my best to recall. All I remembered was the wailing and the hair grabbing. The letter with her name. Banging of head against the wall. Threatening with a cook's knife. Wanting to jump off the 11th floor. Borrowing $700-$1000. 

But that kick? The whole spine thing... No. How did that even happened? 

I wonder if I am mentally sound at times. Since I did not turn to self harm, every thing should be fine.

I think I can write a book. About my life so far, in the past 15, going 16 years. 

I think I am the root of all these problems.

Take a scythe, cut my life line. Everything will then be fine.

But it's all too late isn't it?

I think I'm just tired. 

If this continues tomorrow, I will probably have to come back here. 

O LEVELS IS OVERRRRRRRRR

Time to hibernate ;D

I lied. I am back. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
I was talking to someone about how I was like when I was younger. I used to be a rather queer kid, you see. (Hmmm, I still am :P )
I am the only child and I do not have any play mates at all. ): What kept me going was my imagination. :D
Bear in mind, I was only 5 at that time. Here goes.
I would often pretend I am a scientist. And I "invented" a suit that can withstand lava and enable me to enter volcanoes. Let me make it easier for you to visualise. Just imagine an astronaut suit with a super long wire attached to it.
Hold on, hold on. Let me finish first. (:
I had 2 "prototypes" of that suit. (Mind you, it's an imaginary suit, don't be too harsh on a child) The first is made of materials that will not disintegrate when in contact with lava. Sounds rather impossible huh? I realised that it was rather unrealistic too. I mean, I will die due to the heat! (Dear 5 year old me, you are so smart!) Therefore, 5 year old Carissa came up with a second idea. Volcano suit 2.0 was thus born. It is exactly the same though. Except that this time, there is a cooling system in the suit and there is a thick layer of air trapped in the suit to act as a layer of insulator. Yep. I was 5. Which 5 year old kid would think of using air as an insulator? Oh dear god, what was I thinking?
Just a short story that I have been wanting to share for a long time. :P

I will be back. After O's. My last paper is on 8 nov. Wait till then, just a month. (: