Some thing tells me that tomorrow will be a horrible day. Oh well.

Suck it up.

I am starting to doubt my own aptitude and abilities.

Let's start on my character first, shall we?
The temper that I managed to kick away when I was in sec 2 is back. I get upset and frustrated easily nowadays. Take that incident with Mr O for example. I burst and start shooting vulgarities at him because he put words in my mouth and doubt my leadership. As a school leader, I should have understood the fact the authorities can be a total bitch at times. I must know and accept that fact better than any other student in the school. But I failed to do so, despite going for numerous leadership courses. 

And I guess some of my friends can't stand my personality and they start to pick on me. Picking on minor things when I continue to tolerate your bullshit. Urm, hello, you are no better yourself. Go talk to the mirror first.

You see? You see what I mean? I sound so pissed over such minor stuff in my previous paragraph. :/

Ahhhh. Then my leadership. I heard that teachers are doubting my leadership. I don't get them at all. When I don't fight for student rights, the teachers will approach me and tell me to be more active as the principal thinks that we are quite low key and not taking the initiative to do anything. Fine, I suggested lots of ideas. And the teachers continuously reject them. Since that didn't work, I focus more on student welfare. 

Last year, during councillor camp, I fought for my juniors' rights to conduct camps. It ended up as a fight between me and Mr S as I keep insisting that my juniors deserve the chance to experience what I did. And it was on the night before my birthday. I end up crying because I felt guilty. My birthday was spoilt as I found out that Mr Su planned to remove me from the board as the president. I ended up apologising as it was my "fault" for not respecting the authorities. 

Never mind. Then Ms S. I stood up for my councillors again, because she mistreated them. And I got a terrible scolding instead because I'm at fault for standing up for my people.

And then the Mr O thing. I went to clarify some stuff for my class and end up being doubted and accused. 

To the teachers, my numerous efforts of trying to fight for student rights = not respecting them nor the authority. They were the ones who urge me to stand up for the students and be their voice. I did as told, and I am now being labelled as a very rebellious and hot headed student leader. You have no idea how I feel when I heard that from one of the teachers.

Dear teachers, if any of you happened to read this, question yourself before you doubt me. As teachers, you are the leaders of the school as well. And by judging your student like this, are you a good leader? You have no idea how that piece of news hurt my ego, my self esteem, my feelings. 

The past few weeks have been super stressful because of h3roes and tests. I can only head to bed in the wee hours of the night. I end up waking up late almost everyday because of my sleeping patterns. And when I'm late, both my councillors and the teachers will give me that particular "Wow, so much for being a role model" stare. I get it. Stop stressing me. I fail as a leader. I'm sorry to everyone under my lead. I'm really sorry. 

And then academic wise. Hah. 

I'm such a joke. 

I submitted an application for DSA to a school that I didn't want to enter. Why? I want to see if I'm up to standard. And I guess I have high expectations of myself. I told myself that with my grades and CCA records, I would be accepted. I will reject the offer as I can get into way better schools and this will only serve as a form of encouragement. 

What a joke. Carissa is such a snob. Think you are so superior right?

So the dateline is over. Nope, I didn't receive any offers. But people I know whom have worse results and CCA records were given the offer. 

Go on Carissa, continue to be such an airhead. 

I feel so demoralised now. I am not up to standard, both academic and personality wise. How far can I go in life?

Everything I do seems to backfire. I am always the bad guy in every situation. 

I'm screwed. I'm a mess. I'm a failure.

Suck it up kid, suck it up. This is life after all. It's never fair. And this is what you deserved. Life merely gave you a punch in the face. 

Boo freaking hoo ):

Remember I once said I live to eat? I guess that sort of changed. :/
About a month or two ago, some random guy have to tell me I'm fat. I don't know whether to take it as a joke or to take it seriously, but I became super self conscious for sure. I thought about what he said for the whole day. And I made up my mind to do sit-ups every day. That's a good thing right? Yea sure. I started off small. But within a week, I managed to spam sit-ups every night. I would usually stop at 30 or 40, but I got to the extent that the comment will continue ringing in my head and I would increase my pace and exceed the 120 mark.
And I lost 7kg within a span of one month or so. I found out during PE and my PE teacher was super shocked about my weight loss. Hahahah. That's great news isn't it?
No. All roses have thorns right?
What's so bad? I became EXTREMELY self conscious after that day. I start to watch my diet and the thought of food  = a total turn off. And when I do crave for certain food, the comment with start ringing in my head, like a broken tape recorder.
And I realised how hilarious I am. Why am I watching my diet when I'm a vegetarian? Why am I forcing myself to do so much sit-ups and go for even more jogs when I exercise on a regular basis?
Gahh. I feel pathetic. :/

Shake it out.

Today's weird. 

I was genuinely happy today. But at the same time, my heart felt heavy and something was bothering me for the whole day. The weird thing is, I don't know why. o.o In the evening, a migraine struck me. It was the very same kind of migraine I had the other night when we were drinking. Don't judge me. Lol. It was a once in a while thing. -.-

Okay, let's get back on track. As I was saying, I felt weird. It was like a surge of emotions overwhelm me but I was able to control it. And it ended up being a mixture of happiness and being bothered. 

It all started yesterday. Strange. 

Just a rant.

Ok, I'm blogging at an inappropriate time. I need to rush for meeting and here I am now, blogging. :X

So, let's get started.

I like hanging out with my guy friends. I mean, I love my girlfriends but I usually hang out more with the guys. Why? In terms of gaming, I don't know any girls in my school who game. So if I want to talk about gaming, I would hang out with the guys.

And hence, today's topic. MALE GAMERS. 

I hate it when male gamers go "Girls shouldn't even be playing games." or "Girls are noobs, stay in the kitchen." I despise guys who are sexist towards female gamers. 

Few months ago, I was challenged by one of my friends in a game. We got the EXACT same score and he went around bragging "Carissa lost larh. She so noob." Excuse me? We got the exact same score dude. I was so pissed and I decided to get back at him. I challenged him this time. With the exact same characters.
I managed to kill him a lot of times and he didn't even get to score a kill. :D And guess what he said. Omg. -.-

"She is a girl, I give chance only." 

Are you serious?! So I challenged him again. And he declined. Not willing to give me any reasons. And he still go around boasting about him being better than me. 

And then recently. A high level friend of mine ask me to join him. I was way under level, but I agreed because he managed to persuade me.We end up getting the same number of kills and deaths. He only has 3 more assists than me.

And he went to tell his friends that I was feeding.

Omg. Don't you feel ashamed? My level is way lower and we got a similar score. And instead you claimed that I was feeding? -.- 

And that's when another guy told me this. I'm not angry, just surprised.

"You are a rare species of girls."

And that's why? -.-

I'm not trying to imply that all male gamers are like that. Neither am I trying to say that I am a pro. Because I know myself, and I am just an amateur. 

What I am trying to convey? I just can't stand guys like that. -.- 

I never felt like such a failure before.

Hello. One month flew past just like that. 

Let's chiong homework now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Isn't she gorgeous? My current obsession. <3 :D